That’s how I’ve been feeling, undone. Like I’m being unraveled and can’t pick up the pieces to put them back together...
The song my brother in law wrote runs through my head these days.
"I am lost without you
But I am safe here in your arms
You alone can know me
Be my shelter from the storm
You brought me here, and here I worship.
I stand undone
Before the maker I’m amazed
And for a moment look away
In light of glory much too great.
You lift my eyes
To see the beauty of your face
To look into me with your gaze
And let me know the fullest grace"
By Micah Kelley
I love these words because it reminds me that even in the midst of feeling like I’m hanging on by a thread. I can cling to the fact that God is faithful, good, and in control. I can be undone in His presence, and He holds my many broken pieces.
I often do my best to handle whatever life throws at me. After all, I’m doing that now while we are homeless and moving each week with 2 kids, staying where we can. But when it’s time to pack up again is where all the stuff that is buried comes to surface. I get emotional – and I mean, really emotional. To the point I question if I’m sane or not, if I need medical assistance to help me get through this feeling of sadness because I have to feel the upheaval again, and for my deep craving for some stability…
I cry (a lot) lately and let myself grieve what my heart is begging to release – what my mind finds too hard to process or accept -and I pray. I tell God I trust Him and that even though I don’t know why I break down too often, I trust He loves me through it.
I do the scariest and hardest thing and reach out to people. I ask them if I should worry, if I’m ok. They reassure me that I am going through a lot right now and it’s reasonable to feel this way. I breathe a deep sigh of relief, but still hang onto the questions.
I know that even though I’m in a rut now, it doesn’t mean I will stay here. That’s what I hang onto – remembering all the times I’ve seen Him help me overcome and persevere through all of life’s challenges. I have hope and knowledge that my God and Father sees my tears, hears my prayers and wants to take care of me because I am His daughter. His word says He will never leave me nor forsake me. This is the steady thing I can hold onto – Jesus and His love for me.
God, Thank you for giving me the courage to reach out to others and ask the hard questions. And thank you for giving me your word through the bible and worship songs that I can meditate on when I have hit bottom. Thank you for holding my heart, even at the very broken times when I fight to find hope and comfort for my soul. Please help others to find the courage to ask for help and support. Help them know they are not alone. Bring comfort in the midst of the storms.
But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning, For You have been my stronghold And a refuge in the day of my distress. Psalm 59:16
8/12/2015 10:35:25 am
I love your resilience and your understanding that even though you feel in a rut now, that it won't always be like this. However, the "this" sure can be rough sometimes. Thanks for your transparency.
8/14/2015 09:11:43 am
Jesus can change our perspective on everything. This was the message I read just this morning. Reading your blog, seeing how you are courageously sharing your trials made me connect the scripture to what you shared... John 9:1-7 (NKJV) [especially v3 and 5].
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