An idol of my heart..

I refused food that was offered to me last week during a football game because it had too many calories. The friend who offered it to me immediately called me out. She said, “You need to stop that. This has become an idol of your heart!” Ouch!... I knew she was right. I spend way too much of my days obsessing over what I eat, but after thinking about it, it’s not  the food that is an idol of my heart, it’s my weight.

As loving and accepting as my relatives were, growing up I heard several talk about how women should be thin, and if not, then they have little value or importance to men. If they are heavy, they get put down, shamed and they “should” feel ugly. At least this was the messages I received as I listened to conversations. One relative even took the opportunity to pinch the girls waist’s and comment if they could, “pinch an inch”.

I’ve always envied people who didn’t have the “perfect” bodies and were self confident and happy. When I look at them I see beauty, outside and in. But when I look at myself I have different standards. I believe I must be thin and if I’m not, I’m not good enough and should be ashamed of myself.

This has led to many moments over the years of near starving myself to eating everything in sight because I hated feeling hungry.

How can we as humans love and accept others but not ourselves?  I believe it’s because Satan wants to keep us trapped in any area he can use. Since this thought of worthiness tied to weight was something that was instilled in me my entire life, it’s a strong trap – And he uses it.
I have decided to fight back and overcome. First by recognizing and taking responsibility that I have believed lies, and to remember that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made”.
Psalm 139:14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

Do you know what this means?!  It’s not just the verse at many  baby showers, to me it means, I’m great just the way I am. I don’t have to find my value in my weight! God loves me the way I am. My value comes in being HIS creation that HE made for HIS delight as HIS daughter. HE delights in me and in who I am and I am good enough just the way I am!

I’m learning to accept me just the way I am. Last night I ate fried chicken for dinner. I would have NEVER allowed myself to eat something like this because I can’t exercise it off due to a bad hip and major limitations. If I gain weight with this journey, I know God is big enough to walk me through it. Who knows, I may even lose weight or stay the same because I’m not bashing myself all day and consuming my thoughts with food!

My hope and prayer is that others who struggle with their worth being attached to their weight can see the truth – We are more than good enough just the way we are. Ignore what culture teaches and keep your mind on what God says about you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made! A child of God whom He loves and delights in. He doesn’t want you burdened by such thoughts. He wants you free so you can enjoy this life He gave you and give that attention to good things!

Marilyn ​
 

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